Walking Corpse
Why does it always happen around November or December? Why does it feel like I'm drowning all of the time? When did I become the walking corpse that I am?
Two days ago, the day after Christmas, my grandmother "cut" her wrists and blamed her grand-kids.
I have a complicated relationship with my family. Every year since I left for college, honestly probably before that but college is the fist I really remember, my grandmother has attempted suicide. She's done it so often that it's becoming like the little girl who cried wolf. And I know how terrible that sounds...I get it! It's gross! But I can only give so much of myself to this insanity before I've given up completely. And right now I've given up completely.
See, she first took to good ol' Facebook and exclaimed to the world how her family is the worst and no one cares about her at all, she's sick and has been vomiting and what not for days...she literally wrote this in a Facebook status. My cousin commented telling everyone the truth, that my grandmother had stopped taking all of her medication days ago and was in withdrawal. Well that was it folks, that threw her into a fit. She "cut" her wrists (I say "cut" because it turned out to barely be a scratch and she called 911 on herself). I'm over it. The grandmother I knew died many years ago. This woman is not my grandmother. I know how this ride goes, she goes into a hospital for awhile, they fix her meds, she's better, so she stops her meds...and here we are back at the beginning.
Look I've got a lot on my plate right now. I'm barely keeping it together. I feel like I'm constantly drowning and I can't take on any one else right now or I will completely drown.
I spent my first Christmas without my husband. I haven't had a Christmas without him in over a decade. And now I'm seeing everyone's post about where they were 10 years ago, and I crumble. I can't do this. I don't want to do this.
It's hard, because I want to be the one who's okay with this divorce. I want to be the one that's happier. I want him to see that he threw an amazing woman away. But he won't see that, he doesn't see that. See, I didn't change...he did. He left me in the dirt. He moved on without actually moving on. And I became the bad guy.
I hate this feeling of still wanting to hug him, of wanting to feel him asleep next to me. I'm in a really amazing and happy relationship now. He was one of my closest friends at work, and he saved me from having to move back to Louisiana after the divorce. He's incredible. But my ex-husband still crushes me and my boyfriend has to pick me up.
It's like I'm a walking corpse. Like to my Ex I'm dead. He's mourned and he gets to play that "Widower" card. But I'm actually still around when he needs something.
I should be used to playing that role. People only want to be my friend if they get something. Need a pie? I'm your girl. Need your pet watched? Call me. Need someone to listen to your problems? It's me. But where are these people when I need someone? When will I be good enough?
I want to get out of my way. I want to be happy. I want to thrive. But right now, I'm just a walking corpse.
Two days ago, the day after Christmas, my grandmother "cut" her wrists and blamed her grand-kids.
I have a complicated relationship with my family. Every year since I left for college, honestly probably before that but college is the fist I really remember, my grandmother has attempted suicide. She's done it so often that it's becoming like the little girl who cried wolf. And I know how terrible that sounds...I get it! It's gross! But I can only give so much of myself to this insanity before I've given up completely. And right now I've given up completely.
See, she first took to good ol' Facebook and exclaimed to the world how her family is the worst and no one cares about her at all, she's sick and has been vomiting and what not for days...she literally wrote this in a Facebook status. My cousin commented telling everyone the truth, that my grandmother had stopped taking all of her medication days ago and was in withdrawal. Well that was it folks, that threw her into a fit. She "cut" her wrists (I say "cut" because it turned out to barely be a scratch and she called 911 on herself). I'm over it. The grandmother I knew died many years ago. This woman is not my grandmother. I know how this ride goes, she goes into a hospital for awhile, they fix her meds, she's better, so she stops her meds...and here we are back at the beginning.
Look I've got a lot on my plate right now. I'm barely keeping it together. I feel like I'm constantly drowning and I can't take on any one else right now or I will completely drown.
I spent my first Christmas without my husband. I haven't had a Christmas without him in over a decade. And now I'm seeing everyone's post about where they were 10 years ago, and I crumble. I can't do this. I don't want to do this.
It's hard, because I want to be the one who's okay with this divorce. I want to be the one that's happier. I want him to see that he threw an amazing woman away. But he won't see that, he doesn't see that. See, I didn't change...he did. He left me in the dirt. He moved on without actually moving on. And I became the bad guy.
I hate this feeling of still wanting to hug him, of wanting to feel him asleep next to me. I'm in a really amazing and happy relationship now. He was one of my closest friends at work, and he saved me from having to move back to Louisiana after the divorce. He's incredible. But my ex-husband still crushes me and my boyfriend has to pick me up.
It's like I'm a walking corpse. Like to my Ex I'm dead. He's mourned and he gets to play that "Widower" card. But I'm actually still around when he needs something.
I should be used to playing that role. People only want to be my friend if they get something. Need a pie? I'm your girl. Need your pet watched? Call me. Need someone to listen to your problems? It's me. But where are these people when I need someone? When will I be good enough?
I want to get out of my way. I want to be happy. I want to thrive. But right now, I'm just a walking corpse.
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